Get high on weed

What exactly is it about some of these wild plants that grow in our gardens that make me feel like I am floating in the sky?

It doesn't happen for all plants and, indeed, they don't have the same effect on all cats. They're a bit like catnip - that doesn't give all cats a "high" either although you won't be surprised to hear I love the stuff.

So cat supertip of the day is to get out there and have a sniff around those weeds that humans hate so much and throw away.

You know what they say....... One human's junk is another cats treasure!

Snow

Snow is a cold, wet, vile, nasty white substance that freezes your paws when it lays on the ground.

It is probably created by humans because they have a habit of creating things of little use. They invented cat repellant - but a lot of cats actually like the smell of the blue or green gel. They invented rat and mouse poison but us cats do the job quicker and cheaper!

Anyway back to snow. To get rid of it just stare at it and look sad........ With any luck your pet human will take note. At first you'll get remarks like "look I can't stop it can I ?"...... so trundle off to another room and stare from that window.

If you manage to look sufficiently sorry for yourself your human, if he loves you, may just grab a shovel and clear a little route for you. After all who wants to use an indoor toilet if you don't have to?

If he doesn't just throw a spectacular tantrum (the subject of tantrums will be covered in a later post).

Watch those humans

It doesn't matter how you do it keep an eye on those humans.

The moment your back is turned they eat so you get nothing.

If you doze off they go out, saying they'll be back soon , leaving you to pace up and down for hours on end.

They make phonecalls to people talking about "booster jabs" and "check ups".

So take a tip from me use any method you can and keep an eye open at all times. We are in charge. Don't let them forget it!

The Mile High Club

Well the 10-feet-or-so high club in the case of us felines.

As a cat you need to use height to your advantage. Warm air rises so the warmest place in the room is quite often a high shelf above a radiator.

You may prefer such a venue occasionally instead of your normal bed(s).

Me? I can quite easily get up there myself. Jump to chair - cupboard - then shelf unit. Occasionally I'll do it to prove I still can. But I can never resist winding up my poor little slaves from time to time. I pretend I can't make this relatively short jump from cupboard to shelving unit. I put on my weak and pathetic face and just stare up as if I wish the unit would come to me.

As if by magic, and after utterences of "Poor little darling" and "Daddy will do it" I find myself lifted by my sucker human up to the shelf. Meanwhile I watch him wobbling on a chair which isn't made for standing on.

Such high spots have benefits other than warmth though. They allow a good place to do your "cute poses" when required for those "aaaaah look" comments and they also allow you to spot the moment your human brings their food into the room. Oh they'll try to sneak it in - what do they think we are - stupid?

When food arrives and you are in your high spot you have two choices.

Either put on your most neglected, sad face and hang over the edge and watch Mr "Wishes he had more than one life" Human wobble on that chair again bringing you food there. Alternatively if you feel like coming down look as if you are going to jump but have that expression of utter fear on your face as if you are going to break all your legs and wobble a bit on the edge. You will find yourself carried safely direct to your food in no time at all.

Finally if you want the ultimate wind-up using your high spot do this. Plead to go up there but claim it's one of those days you just can't make it. Wait about 60 seconds then ask to come down again, of course claiming you are suffering from vertigo. It's great fun watching their faces and you get to learn lots of human bad language in the process.

The lamp shade

Always be wary of any attempt to make you act as a temporary light fitting.

If you do have to have one of these you can still cause annoyance to the humans though.

Every time you pass the edge of a door bang into it. It may not remove the object but it does make an annoying noise. When you eat make sure you dribble into it. This will ensure the human has to remove your lamp shade for a short while to clean it..

With a bit of luck you may even be able to remove it yourself. Your human is not allowed to make it fit too tightly. If you can wedge your lamp shade between two stable objects and then slowly reverse it may just slip over your ears and off.

Believe me it's possible..... I've done it...............just puzzled about one thing and that's how doing so turned me into a miniature bovine for a while....... all I kept hearing was "You little cow!"

Sleeping 1

Sleeping is very, very important.....................................

................. for cat's that is............. not for anybody else!

See how far you can push your human in sleep deprivation. You will surprise yourself at just how gullible your pets are at letting you get away with disrupting their slumber.

I'd recommend waiting until about 4am when your victim should be entering the deepest part of their sleep.

Leap onto the bed and climb on top of your chosen party, lay down and go to sleep. The best part of the body to lay on is the upper part of the thighs. This is comfortable for the human, initially at least, but gradually you will start to make this area of their body ache. The decrease in bloodflow will gradually make their legs twitch in agony. You may be only a few kilos but after 30 minutes that feels like half a ton to a human!

If they wriggle the legs too much pretend they are making YOUR life uncomfortable and make a low groaning sound. Your mentally inferior human will probably say something like "Oh I'm sorry Flossy" and just continue to endure the pain.

You will gain extra satisfaction from this excercise if your, already in agony human, needs to use their toilet.

It is incredible how long these weak creatures will hold on to all sorts of pain..... and all the time they claim to be in charge of us.

Yeah............ if you say so.

Wearing the shoes

To begin with we must establish who is in charge, you the cat, or your adopted pet.

Cat's have had humans as loyal pets for thousands and thousands of years. It's no different now than it was all those years ago. The only difference now is we drink the milk instead of them bathing in it - just the way it should be.

The trick to having the perfect life is to make these pathetic, weak creatures feel they are in command - it gives them a false sense of security.

Over the coming days, weeks month and years I will give all us cats many tips as to how to have the perfect life and how to get the best from your pet.

In the meantime here is an image to remind you who should wear the shoes in your house.